Great news! Your child is almost ready to become a full member of the Jewish Community and we’re here to help you along the way. Although this guide is quite comprehensive, we want to also point you toward our Ultimate Bar and Bat Mitzvah Planning Checklist. It’ll help you stay organized and on schedule.
In the meantime, let’s get you up to speed on planning a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. It all begins with your Rabbi and his or her calendar.
PREPARING FOR THE BIG DAY
Setting a Bar/Bat Mitzvah Date
You’ll meet with your Rabbi about two years before your child reaches the age of 13. He’ll walk you through the available dates and help you pick one. If you belong to a large synagogue with lots of children of Bar Mitzvah age, your Rabbi may have to assign a specific date. Most Bar and Bat Mitzvahs take place on Saturday mornings. However, weekday Bar/Bat Mitzvahs are not unheard of – especially on Monday and Thursday mornings when the Torah is publicly read.
With your date set, it’s now time to dive into the planning process. While we all love focusing on the celebration, it’s essential not to forget about preparing for the religious service as well. This article covers both topics in detail.
Ways to Celebrate Your Special Day
One of the first things you will want to do in early in your planning process is determine how you want to celebrate your son’s or daughter’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah. Are you aiming for a traditional affair, or are you looking for something more modern? Do you want a lavish party with lots of guests or something more intimate? How about a nice Kiddush luncheon after the service or a Sunday brunch? These days, you can’t go wrong with how you want to celebrate your special occasion.
Bar Mitzvah Budgeting
How much does a Bar/Bat Mitzvah cost? You’ll probably need to sit down for this one. These days, the average cost of a Bar or Bat Mitzvah ranges between $15,000 and $30,000. Many people spend $50,000 or more – sometimes much more. Whatever you do, don’t try to keep up with the Goldbergs. No matter the size of your budget, you can create an amazing and memorable experience that your family will treasure forever!
Hiring an Event Planner
Event planners can be an incredible resource. They keep up with the latest trends and have strong connections to the best venues, vendors, and suppliers in your area. An event planner can assist you with nearly everything covered in this guide and will keep you on track along the way. They are excellent at fixing problems that may pop up on the big day, so you can enjoy yourself without worry.
If you’re concerned about the cost of hiring a planner, you might explore partial or “month-of” planning services as an alternative to a full service planner. An experienced planner makes your budget work smarter, so you focus on the items that are most impactful and avoid stressing and spending on the little details no one else notices.
Picking a Theme
Themes are a fun way for your child to express themselves through their Bar or Bat Mitzvah. Themes also bring a level of cohesiveness to your planning process and can influence your choice of venue, menu selection, invitation style, decorations, and much more. You’ll find plenty of ideas and inspiration throughout our site!
Decorations
You’ll need to order decorations for the event, including party favors for adults and kids. In addition to buying decorations, you may need to rent some items such as linens, lounge furniture, and large props if that’s your style. Check out our Bar/Bat Mitzvah Party Favor Ideas for inspiration at every price point.
Guest Lists
You should start thinking about who you want to invite to your child’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah shortly before venue shopping. This is not a final guest list – you are just trying to get a rough count of attendees so you know how large of a venue you will need. Aim to finalize your guest list about 10-12 months in advance.
Selecting a Venue
You have a wide variety of choices when it comes to selecting a venue. While hotel ballrooms and private reception halls remain popular choices, many now opt for private rooms at restaurants or arcades with video games and other fun activities. Don’t hesitate to host a party at your house or an outdoor venue if that’s more your style.
Finding a Caterer
Selecting a caterer often goes hand-in-hand with choosing a venue, as many hotels require you to use their catering services. If you can choose your caterer, arrange tastings about 10-12 months before your event. Consider the number of guests, whether the meal needs to be kosher, and the types of food you want to serve. For children who prefer chicken nuggets over baked salmon, a kid’s menu might be a good idea. Asking about vegan and gluten-free options is a must!
If your venue does not include a bartender, you’ll want to start looking for one around the same time.
Why Hiring a Bar/Bat Mitzvah Photographer is Important
A professional photographer ensures that the meaningful moments of this once-in-a-lifetime event are captured with clarity and creativity. While iPhones are great, they are no substitute for an experienced photographer who manages lighting and composition, so you get high-quality, flattering images. You’ll want to snap up a good photographer with Bar/Bat Mitzvah experience at least a year in advance.
Music and Dancing
When it comes to music, most people hire a DJ/MC these days – but a live band is a great option for large events. You should work with your DJ or band leader to create a Bar/Bat Mitzvah playlist that will appeal to all of your guests. If you think it will be hard to get people on the dance floor, hire professional dancers to get the party going. If your daughter enjoys being the center of attention, she might love a choreographed dance that includes her closest friends.
Other Fun Activities to Enhance the Experience
Music and dancing do not need to be your only form of entertainment. Lots of people opt for photobooths, caricature and spraypaint artists, and themed giveaways such as tee shirts and sweatshirts. Your party planner will have other great ideas too. A good DJ will organize games and contests to keep your guests entertained. Award prizes to the winners such as gift cards, oversized candy bars, and other novelty items.
Organizing Weekend Activities
Many people put together additional activities for their most special guests. Consider hosting a Shabbat family dinner or welcome reception for your out-of-town guests. A kiddush luncheon after the Saturday service or a Sunday brunch is always nice. You can come up with some ideas of your own too!
Ordering Invitations
Choosing an invitation design for a Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a wonderful opportunity to showcase your and your child’s style and personality. While most people opt for standard invitation designs, some choose to create their own, incorporating their party theme. This is a great time to order your Save the Date and Thank You cards. While you wait for them to arrive, make sure you have everyone’s mailing address.
Another option is to send electronic invitations using a service like GreenEnvelope or Paperless Post. Several companies provide beautiful electronic templates for you to use. You should know that email invitations are popular in some parts of the country, but not in others – especially the Northeast where they are frowned upon.
Invitations should be sent 2-3 months before your Bar or Bat Mitzvah. Make sure you weigh an envelope before adding postage. If your invitation weighs more than 1 oz., you’ll need additional postage.
How to Handle Multiple Gatherings with Different Guests
Do you plan to hold several gatherings over the weekend with different guests? For example, you might invite everyone to the party, but only certain people for a Friday night reception or a Sunday brunch. It might sound like a big problem – but it isn’t. Simply order RSVP cards with different combinations of the events. Be careful when you assemble your invitations so you don’t accidentally invite people to the wrong things.
Another advantage of using our guest list manager is that you can create distinct guest lists across multiple events (morning service, Kiddush luncheon, evening party, Sunday brunch, etc.).
Save the Date!
Sending Save the Date cards to your guests about 7-9 months before your Bar/Bat Mitzvah significantly reduces scheduling conflicts and increases guest attendance. Additionally, it allows your out-of-town guests ample time to make travel arrangements. You can also do it electronically via email.
Tracking RSVP Responses
Keeping up to date with RSVP responses is incredibly important. You will need to provide the final number of expected guests to the venue and the caterer a week or two in advance. If you plan to host a luncheon or brunch, you need to track those separately.
Before you provide a formal guest count, call the people who have not responded yet. You might not have enough food or seating if someone shows up unexpectedly.
Out-of-Town Guests
If you have guests traveling to your event, you’ll want to make a few arrangements of your own. Contacting a local hotel and reserving a block of rooms for them is very helpful. Create gift baskets for those staying at the hotel and have them delivered before they arrive. It’s a nice touch. Many guests will not have a car of their own, so you should contact a nearby limousine company and reserve a shuttle that will take them between the various events.
Looking Your Best
You should start looking for outfits and accessories for the entire family about two months before the Bar or Bat Mitzvah. You’ll want to allow enough time for any alterations. One week before the big day, make sure everything fits and has been steamed/pressed.
You’ll also want to book hair, nail, and makeup appointments well in advance. If you do not already have a stylist you like, check out these talented beauty pros in our directory!
Staying Safe
Hiring one or two security officers is never a bad idea for larger events. In fact, it may be required by law in certain states if you are serving alcohol. It’s pretty commonplace to see security officers at Jewish gatherings these days, so having security won’t cause alarm among your guests.
PREPARING FOR THE SERVICE
Learning the Torah Portion
About 6-10 months before the Bar or Bat Mitzvah date, your Rabbi will assign your son or daughter their Torah portion. If you are Orthodox, it’s likely that your daughter will not be assigned a Torah portion because certain traditions discourage women from reading from the Torah.
Reach out to your Rabbi every so often to make sure your child is making progress. Hire a private tutor if your son or daughter is falling behind. It’s perfectly normal. Also, make sure they are familiar with any prayers or readings that they will lead during the service.
Tallit, Tefilin, and Kippot
There are several items related to your son’s or daughter’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremony that you’ll want to purchase in advance. One of the first things you will want to order is a tallit for your child – and don’t forget about the bag! Depending on your level of observance, you should consider buying tefillin for your son. Girls do not traditionally wear tefillin. Most people order kippot for their guests and there are plenty of colors and materials to choose from. Ordering a custom kippot that has your child’s name and Bar/Bat Mitzvah date is quite popular.
Mitzvah Projects
Your child will probably be required to complete a Mitzvah Project several weeks before their Bar or Bat Mitzvah. Typically a mitzvah project involves supporting a charitable cause or participating in community service activities. Your child’s project should illustrate the Jewish values of tikkun olam (repairing the world) and showing compassion for others. If your child is having trouble figuring out what to do, many synagogues maintain a list of past projects to help students find a meaningful cause.
Speeches and Honors
It is common for the Bar Mitzvah boy or Bat Mitzvah girl to give a short speech that relates their Torah portion to their Mitzvah project or personal life. Parents give speeches too. Typically, these are directed at their child instead of the attendees. If you’re struggling for words, there are plenty of speech writers who can help express your thoughts.
Honor family members and close friends by inviting them to participate in the service. Asking someone to light the candles, open or close the ark doors, give an Aliyah, or read a special passage makes them feel special.
Thanking the Rabbi
It is customary for your child to write a personal note to the Rabbi, expressing gratitude for the guidance and support they provided throughout the Bar/Bat Mitzvah process. Additionally, parents often make a charitable donation in honor of the Rabbi, frequently to the Rabbi’s Discretionary Fund. If you hired a private tutor to help your child, consider sending them a Thank You note as well. You may want to give them something to show your appreciation too, like a gift card.
FINAL WORDS ON BAR MITZVAH PLANNING
Planning a Bar or Bat Mitzvah is a meaningful and memorable experience. Even though we tend to focus on the afterparty, a Bar or Bat Mitzvah is so much more than that. It is a holy and sacred moment in time. It is an announcement to the world that your child is ready to fully embrace the Jewish experience and the responsibilities that come with it. It’s no wonder we want to party. It is truly something to celebrate. Mazel Tov!
